In its ideal form, the idea of the trans community or even wider queer community is as beautiful as it is compelling. I sincerely love the idea and, on climbing out of the pit a few years ago, I sort of built up this vision that I would find my way into it, whatever that would look like.

Of course, simply being a transsexual woman or a lesbian (or a transsexual lesbian, as I am) really isn't by itself sufficient. Absent something more substantial, like hobbies or life experiences, outside of Pride week/month/season, it's challenging. Or to be fair, I find it challenging.

I've got one stereotypical trans-heavy hobby in film photography, but Ottawa's trans folks don't seem as interested as they are elsewhere. Otherwise, I don't play video games, board games much more involved than Mouse Trap, write fiction, play an instrument, do collage art, or noodle with retro tech. I'm also an early-to-bed-early-to-rise sort in her mid-40s with a stable job and in a loving and long-term relationship.

If it weren't for our lifestyle as a pair of pedestrians in a downtown apartment with no kids and two cats spending our spare time on creative hobbies, we'd lose any sense of our queerness.

In other words, I have very little in common.

Many Strong Opinions

It seems to be the nature of the internet. Or people on the internet, but I quickly found that there is no way that I want to discuss transition options or any details of my HRT regimen, surgeries had, or surgeries planned. There are simply too many with a dedicated sense of "you're doing it wrong".

When this online culture is met with a group of largely struggling and traumatized people, it can create a highly toxic stew.

This was one of my first (and second, and third, ...and hundredth) lessons when seeking out information online: the loudest and dominant voices tend to be negative, self-loathing, and are aggressive in wanting to smother any sense of joy and satisfaction anyone else might have (or seek). As time wears on, this mood comes to dominate these spaces.

Why I would want to spend time in these online spaces or join these conversations sure is beyond me.

So I don't.

Fortunately, in non-online life, the rules of polite company seems to be that this is personal information and raising suggestions or identifying possible issues would follow if someone shares concerns and asks. Still, I don't usually trust that I'd avoid opening myself to critique up in person, so I just keep it to myself.

It's no way to build community, but it protects my peace.

July 20, 2026