I'm sorry. I've become even worse for blogging on the regular. It's not for lack of things going on either. I've been keeping up with photos at lottiephoto.ca and even here on the front page about once per week.
Toronto Time!
I will be boarding a Toronto-bound train tomorrow morning! The goal? To visit my sister! I know that we're going to have a lovely time and I just don't know how we're going to pack everything into just a few days.
Still, we'll hit the ground running once I arrive on Monday afternoon and won't stop until I board the train back to Ottawa on Wednesday afternoon.
The one thing that's a little strange-feeling in all of this is that Kathleen will be staying back home. It's partially a matter of saving money (cat sitters aren't free!) and partially because she will be flying to Halifax later this Spring, which will also be a solo trip for her.
Please Hurry
Now that I am just waiting for a surgery date, I'd very much appreciate it if I were given one! I know, I know. All of us who are waiting for a date would prefer it to be sooner rather than later.
It probably doesn't help that I've been hearing various conflicting stories as to how long it may take, which range from late Spring 2026 to Winter 2027. I sure hope it's not the outside date!
It Doesn't Leave, Part 1
I don't know if any of us really appreciate when we're warned about something we don't want to be being possible and it comes true. Especially if it comes true 20 years later.
I suppose part of me knew that I was at risk in some way, but since May 2024, when I was preparing to begin HRT and since last year when I began preparing for surgery, I made a number of changes to my lifestyle to ensure that, as a trans-woman-of-a-certain-age, that I was giving myself the best possible chance at everything going smoothly.
To this extent, I stopped consuming alcohol, limited caffeine to one coffee per day, cut down salt and sugar, and stopped snacking so much, focusing on fresher foods.
While not part of this change, as part of what I see as more organically shifting tastes, I first went vegetarian in early 2025, and then, after admitting that I could not step over, around, or through the ethical considerations any longer, vegan after Christmas this year.
With all of this combined, and when I was weighed for surgical intake, a number of things began to come into focus.
I don't like speaking this frankly about it, but I have found myself currently at risk of relapse.
Over twenty years ago, after a period of intense restriction that I was not able to get myself out of, I sought treatment in a program. While successful, I was warned on departure that it sort of doesn't necessarily leave you. That there is a residual risk of relapse. Indeed, when I was in the program, some of the other patients had been through them before.
Fortunately, I'm not there yet, exactly. But it is proving harder than I want it to be to turn this around. So I'm talking about it. And trying. I know that I can and I know that I will.
I just need to acknowledge it. I know that saying nothing is a great way to keep going in a direction that won't help me. It's certainly not helping my transition either.
It Doesn't Leave, Part 2
Sometimes we're trained so well that we don't even question what we're on about until it just seems to plainly silly that we have to step back and question why we're feeling a certain way and why we're acting a certain way.
In this case, I'm referring to the sheer terror I traditionally experience when someone asks if I'd like to go for coffee or tea or to hang out or anything at all.
The thing is, while I am somewhat introverted, I actually really enjoy socializing, but I have so often limited myself so that I kinda don't. Not really.
Earlier this week, I got to talking to two other nice trans people who wanted to meet for coffee. My first feeling was abject terror.
"Oh no! I can't do that! Why are they asking me? What does it mean? Will Kathleen hate me? Will she think I'm up to no good? How can I say no while still being a nice girl? Will they hate me for saying no? Why am I always put into these positions? Can I just leave their messages unread? Won't it look weird when I post other things? What if I abandon my account? What if I deleted it? Won't that be strange? I don't want to? What should I do????"
I mean, what an exhausting way to be, right?
It only then occurred to me that after 13 years apart and 9 years with no contact at all, I was still accommodating my ex's anxieties!
Anxieties that Kathleen does not share!
After talking about it with her, she said that's kinda stupid (I agree), that I should always feel free to have coffee/tea/whatever with people (if I would like to), and that she thinks that having friends is great (I agree) and that I should too (I agree).
And as if tracking ahead of what my imported anxieties were telling me, she made sure to stress that she trusts me fully and implicitly and that there is no reason to fear.
I needed to hear it.
Even if I knew it.
Suffice to say, I will be meeting with some nice people in the next couple of weeks and I am sure that we will have lovely little visits with nice beverages in nice places.
I'm not a mess, really!
These points above really make me seem like a mess!
I promise that I'm not!
At least, I'm working to not be one so much. :/
April 5, 2026